Radically Genuine Podcast with Dr. Roger McFillin

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (00:01.804)
Welcome to the radically genuine podcast. I am Dr. Roger McFillin. For those of you who are not aware, I write for Substack on the platform, radically genuine with Dr. Roger McPhillen. You can find me at drmcphillen.substack.com. I was recently recognized as one of the rising publications under the health and wellness category. And as of this recording today, I'm number 15 on the leaderboard. So I'm proud of that. I read a weekly provocative article.

on various aspects of popular culture, health and wellness, mental health. Additionally, I am posting the video version of this podcast with additional commentary for paid subscribers. So please head over to the radically genuine sub stack and subscribe. Additionally, after a lot of hard work, we are close to launching the Conscious Clinician Collective.

If you go to the cccollective.org, the new website will be launched shortly and will feature a searchable database to find mental health and healthcare clinicians. If you're a medical professional or mental health professional and want to join the collective, please visit that site. So today's podcast, I want to discuss something that I think is a shift in culture and it's been happening slowly over the course of 25 years.

And I think it's through this story. most of you, it probably won't even stand out as anything that is out of the ordinary. You know, it's this kind of situation where you're in like a waiting room or you're somewhere with public, with a parent and they have, you know, a younger kid, let's say they're a toddler, for example. And, know, they're fidgeting a little bit. They're restless. They're not crying. They're not screaming. They're just showing the first hints of boredom and

You can see the stress in the mother's face. It's, you know, close to panic as she starts fiddling around and like looking for something and you know it's something that's going to be pulled out to occupy the attention of that toddler immediately. It's like, my God, where is it? Where is it? As she frantically kind of digs through her oversized bag, like she's searching for something life-saving.

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (02:22.562)
And what tends to be the emergency, you know, it's that fear that the toddler's undirected attention is going to maybe embarrass her or, you know, you're on the verge of some kind of tantrum behavior and it's like, here, look, bluey, it's bluey, you know, shouting relief, shouts of relief, like thrusting an iPad, like inches from the child's face. it's like crisis averted, you know, heaven.

forbid this child might have to sit quietly, you know, for a short period of time. I think, you know, I've witnessed a scene play out, but the intensity at this point seems to have reached somewhat absurd levels. I think that parents are absolutely terrified of their children acting like, you know, children. You know, instead...

of seeing these moments, like to teach like limits for their kids to, you know, build what we used to call frustration tolerance. They seem to reach for the quickest tool to pacify their kids. And it's almost always technology, right? And so you see this all the time, kids in public with their faces glued to a phone or to an iPad, as if God forbid,

They could not handle the boredom that exists with having to wait, you know, patiently or have to demonstrate some ability to tolerate that frustration. You know, I equate it to what used to happen prior to all this technology. You don't see this anymore because when parents are in the grocery store with their kids, their kids are almost always face in a phone or some type of device.

So remember like a kid would throw a tantrum in the grocery store candy aisle, you know, and then parents would actually say no. And they meant it. And sometimes they just have to deal with the tantrum. And if you don't, like if you hand over the candy, they start to be quiet, right? It's like reinforcing, you know, right there that a tantrum in itself gets the kid what they need.

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (04:46.626)
So what happens the next time that you go to the grocery store? Well, you know, they start throwing a tantrum. And of course this generalizes to all areas of that kid's life. Parents who give in for the short-term relief of getting the kid to quiet, not have a tantrum in public, not embarrass them, then they have to deal with the long-term consequences of setting up that type of relationship with their kids. And you know, there's lots of reasons for it, I think.

social judgment is one of them when it comes to a screaming child. But I think it gets a little bit more complex than that. And I think my point for today's podcast is to talk about the fear that's been provoked in parents in relationship to their kids. And in a lot of ways, the tables have turned where it feels like the home, the kids are dominating, you know, how

families and how parents kind of react and respond instead of the opposite of way, you know, the opposite of how like parents should be in control of their homes. And I think there's industries that profit from it. I think there's a devastating effect that's happening on entire generation. So I call it the fear based parenting complex. So how the hell did we get here? How did we create a culture?

where parents are terrified of their eight year old for experiencing, you know, five or 10 minutes of frustration. How do we get to the point where now in a lot of the work that I do, both clinical and some my consultation work, that there's this underlying sense of real fear that parents have of their kids emotional experiences. And I see it generated from this unholy alliance between fear mongering media,

self-proclaimed parenting experts or that expert culture and the medical experts where we've become obsessed with pathologizing every human emotion. Let me give you a great example of this. I might be meeting with a parent who has a teenager that's really struggling, somewhere generally speaking around emotion regulation. Now we can label it all different types of words and the mental health.

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (07:10.688)
industrial complex does it, we can give it ADHD and anxiety disorders and depression. But what's what's key in underlying all of that is somebody is having a hard time regulating intense emotional experiences for goal directed behaviors for behaviors that can achieve them a sense of, you know, happiness, well being purpose, all of that that's necessarily necessary in life. So when we when I meet with with parents and

There's clear like there has been a lack of discipline, limit setting and boundaries that I mean is so important. There are certainly developmental periods where it's necessary as parents for us to start engaging that structure and that discipline. Usually it's around two years old. We call them the terrible twos, right? For a reason, because it's a critical period to learn emotion regulation skills. But what's changed now is like when parents

are faced with having to institute limits and boundaries. And you get the expected reaction from a kid or a teenager. There's now this fear. And even I get these questions that like, am I traumatizing them? Right? That emotional reaction is something that has become so scary.

there's so many aspects of culture that we can dive into, enforcing boundaries that trigger anxiety and attachment issues, you know, like fear that any type of distress that your kid is on and that you're ultimately responsible for that as a parent. And it does elicit a whole lot of guilt and it creates this parenting paralysis. mean, educated, well-meaning parents.

have been convinced that normal parental authority could psychologically damage their children. All right. Great example of this. You know, I had a situation, there's so many of them, so I'm not highlighting one particular person, where a parent is literally in tears about confiscating their phone from like their 15 year old. Okay. And for good reason, like maybe that 15 year old is struggling in school.

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (09:35.084)
was lying about their whereabouts, was on sites they shouldn't have been in, problems with social media. And that parent is like really concerned, like my teen hasn't spoken to me in three days. She says that I've ruined her life. She's never gonna trust me again. And again, it's that thought, have I traumatized her? Have I pulled her away from her social circle? Is this going to have consequences that have...

the potential to, you know, impact her at school, impact her in her social world. And I am the one responsible. You know, sometimes I just have to kind of take a second and pause and kind of ground that person back into reality. Like, for example, let me get this straight. So your teenage daughter lied to you amongst a number of other problems. You enforced a reasonable consequence.

And now you think her completely predictable emotional reaction is actually trauma. And many say, well, yes. And they refer to like the parenting accounts that they follow about how teen brains are developing and emotional rejection can cause lasting damage. And we see this in the mental health industrial complex where

It's constant fear of provocation about what is depression and what is anxiety and what is ADHD and these are treatable medical conditions. I mean, all this folks is driving you towards an industry. And I just have to often just use reason and logic and inform like that parent that teenagers have been dramatically declaring their lives ruined by parents since the dawn of time. And this isn't trauma, this is a typical Tuesday in the life of an adolescent. Have I seen

The stakes be upped a bit from kids. Yeah, I mean, I see kids will say things like, I'm gonna kill myself if you don't give me that phone back. Are they literally gonna kill themselves? No, I don't think that that's the case. It's a very predictable reaction to try to manipulate and control that parent to getting what they want. And I think a lot of parents don't realize that...

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (11:55.522)
day themselves have been manipulated by a massive industry that profits from their fears. Like parenting experts are not going to gain followers by telling you your kids will probably turn out fine, even regardless of your parenting style. You know, take away the abusive, neglectful aspects that certainly have profound impact on kids. You know, most parents, you know, if you're if you love your kids and you're attentive to their needs,

Not every need, you're going to make your mistakes. mean, you're mostly your kids are going to turn out fine, but it's almost like, you know, the opposite has become true. We've created this fear and this guilt and parents that they are actually afraid to be parents. And we see like things to remember, like mental health providers aren't going to practices by reassuring parents that these temper tantrums are developmentally appropriate.

or providing just one or two session consultations to kind of reconfirm what I think is already common sense and, you know, they can experience as like their own truth. Parenting book authors don't land on best seller lists by suggesting children are naturally resilient. You know, think about it, this entire apparatus depends on convincing you that your child is perpetually on the brink of some psychological catastrophe.

And only by following the latest expert recommendations, can you prevent this irreparable damage. And it's the same playbook to pharmaceutical companies use to get more and more people identifying with medical medical conditions labeled as mental illness that drive you to using their solutions, which there's which is drugs. You know, we're talking about 25 % of the American public adult public.

on at least one psychiatric drug that can only happen through this scam. It can only happen by trying to convince people that what is often natural and normal is a medical condition. And to do this, you have to push emotional fragility. They have to plant the seeds that your emotions are dangerous. They have to plant the seeds that you're ultimately fragile.

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (14:19.468)
And have to do exactly the right things to prevent this fragility. And this is why I think we see the rise in these mental health diagnoses, not because people are inherently fragile, but because we treat them as such. And this dates back to kids being very, very young. It's this situation that observed in a waiting room. If you can't even tolerate five minutes, 10 minutes to wait to develop patience,

and to respect your parent who in that moment should have the ultimate authority. Well then how are you gonna deal with all the disappointments, challenges and adversity that life is going to bring? They actually need to hear the word no. Because these are not traumatic events. They're essential building blocks for emotional resilience.

And we've created a culture where parents believe their primary job is to prevent their child from ever feeling bad. And when they do, parents feel bad themselves. And this science could not be more clear, which is why I'm so hard on therapists and mental health professionals, because they actually act outside the bounds of psychological science. And let's face it, most therapists aren't trained in science. They're

trained in some weird form, combination of pop culture, psychology, and pharmaceutical propaganda. To me, the science of resilience, which is the essential quality that allows human beings to bounce back from adversity, overcome challenges, where there's an evolution and adaptation process that we can forge, that parents actually have a responsibility in being able to build.

This isn't done unless there is exposure to manageable stress. We call this stress inoculation. And it's the fundamental nature and aspect to the development of resilience. You know, it's kind of like going to the gym. I mean, you first start with kind of light weight and you're very sore and you're not in great shape. But then you continue at it consistently and you get stronger. The same thing happens with stress inoculation. You start with

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (16:42.508)
you know, things that aren't very stressful, like sitting in a car for a period of time without having constant stimulation or being able to tolerate boredom in a waiting room. And let's face it, I mean, you go to these waiting rooms and my waiting rooms, the same thing. You have like children books available. You can color, you can create, you can do things a lot more productive than stare into a screen.

You know, and then we create these bullshit diagnoses like ADHD. I mean, that's just a natural consequence to everything I'm seeing in culture. How do you think kids are going to evolve when their faces are in screens like that? If you can't tolerate five minutes of frustration or boredom and direct your attention into something else, how are you going to get through five pages of a book? How are you going to sit in class? Let's be real people. I mean, let's, let's wake up to what is happening and let's not forget historical context. mean,

How can we be so fragile now in this time of history? You know, when there are so many advantages, but throughout history, children have faced far greater challenges than having to be told to wait their turn or hearing the word no. Children survived wars, economic depressions, famines, diseases. You know, the idea that a child will be psychologically damaged by losing their phone or having to sit for uncomfortable feelings for five minutes isn't just unscientific. It's

laughably absurd. You know, I remember having to do these things with my kids, like one of them is like, if you're take a toddler out to the restaurant, right? And I believe toddlers can learn how to behave at a restaurant. But I remember my oldest daughter, Madison, I think she was probably two and a half, three years old, we took her out to a restaurant. And I played this technique called 123 magic. And they learn quickly. And it's a great book, you know, I would encourage all parents

of toddlers to buy the book 123 magic, because, you know, it allows to maintain the parental authority, because a kid is going to lose that stimulation, they're going to have to experience a negative consequence if they don't respond to the directive of the parent. So very simply, like, let's say it's time to go to bed, and your kid is playing with their toys, and there's been a

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (19:04.184)
directive for them to pack their toys up and go to bed and they're not listening to you. Well, you can scream at them, you can yell at them, you can put the toys away for them. All of those are just the same as giving the toddler candy in the candy aisle at the grocery store. But if you go, that's one, and that's kind of like a discriminative stimulus to know they have to act now and they have about three seconds to do it, that's two.

And that's three. So let's say they don't put the toys away, for example. You you can institute things like timeout. They can be put to bed right away without getting read a book. You know, something that's aversive to them. And they learn very quickly by the time I think like a week or two goes by that two year old, you know, learns that they just have to put the toys away. Then they can go up and they can get a book read to them before bed. And this is very generalizable like

in public, like you don't have to deal with the tantrum, you can go that's one, that's two, that's three, but they have to know that you're willing to respond to them, that you're in charge, that you're in control. And kids actually need this and teenagers actually need this, they need guardrails in their lives. And if parents are afraid to parent, then they don't have those guardrails and chaos ensues. So back to my story, I had my daughter Madison in a

restaurant and we were just there for a little bit and she's coloring and then she starts throwing the crayons right and she starts throwing a little bit of a tantrum and so we're with other people and I go that's one.

keeps doing it. That's two. And you can see even her two and a half or three year old self is looking at me and testing me. Well, what's he gonna do now? There's no timeout chair here. We're not in the house anymore. We're in a public place. And then you get to three, you have to be willing to pick her up and leave the restaurant.

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (21:10.752)
And it's a tantrum. And you have to endure the tantrum. But that's the only time you're ever going to have to deal with it. If you're willing to face it, if you just keep doing everything to quiet them in those moments, they're not developing those skills. And listen, we can go from Tyler all the way through, you know, being a teen, you know, same principles apply, right?

And what's changed is his parents reaction to kids like I remember talking to a friend of mine where had a son or daughter who would like melt down whenever you know he or she lost a game. So he just started like letting her win everything he says he's just easier that that way. And so I said to him, Okay, well, then what happens when he or she plays games at school?

What about like entering into sports, organized sports? A complete disaster, Unable to tolerate, accuses kids of cheating, things like that. So, you know, I said by protecting her from disappointment, you're actually ensuring that she has no skills to handle that once she goes into the real world. So I, you know, I ask everybody who's listening right now, like you think that's effective parenting? Like what are the implications of that down the line? No.

Often people think that they're helping them. But if we're brutally honest about what's happening here, you know, we've created this myth of childhood emotional fragility. And this comes into schools, you see it with like, helicopter parenting, parenting involved with their teachers, getting them into classes that they want, like trying to protect them from all disappointment. And this becomes a perfect engine for like the multi billion dollar

industry spanning pharmaceuticals, therapy, parenting books, coaching services, educational accommodations. Like there are way too many kids getting educational accommodations now. Right. And you're just limiting from their ability to adapt. And so I think there's this perfect circular logic at work. And I think if you really step back, you can see it. So media and parenting experts,

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (23:32.45)
They create these fear in parents that your children are psychologically fragile and you can fuck them up, right? So you have these parents now who believe they are the primary force in trying to protect their kid from distress. So they do that when their kids start experiencing natural emotional challenges. The result, the children are not facing that and developing necessary emotion regulation skills.

then children predictably struggle in situations that require them to demonstrate resilience. And so what happens? The medical establishment labels these normal developmental struggles as disorders. Parents take them to doctors. This authority figure.

Now we already have a pharmaceutical industry that has successfully pathologized all of this, right? Anti-anxiety, anti-depression. Depression lost its validity. It's an umbrella term for any struggle or negative emotional state. ADHD is the equivalent of boredom and the inability to focus on anything. Depression is now any disappointment, right? Like you hear kids talk about this all the time. I was depressed this weekend.

Well, that's not what depression is. You might've been like lonely, you might've been sad, right? But you go into the medical authority and you communicate concerns about depression. The medical authority doesn't care. They're not doing anything to sit down and understand its context. No, they're gonna write a prescription in the 10 minutes they have for you, right? And they're gonna recommend drugs and therapy. So now, you you are attaching to these disorders and parents believe that these diagnosis can confirm

their child's fragility. You see how, you know, this cycle maintains itself, which makes parents become even more protective, creating even less resilient children. And the cycle just continues. And now you're creating an unconsciousness, you're creating this identity around your kid, this ADHD identity. My kid's an anxious kid, my kid's a depressed kid, my kid is struggling, right? And you can really start going back in time.

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (25:52.086)
and seeing how this was cultivated from very early on in life. I mean, we have a pharmaceutical industry that makes over 25 billion annually just on like SSRI drugs, right? And the therapy industry is adding billions more to that. I mean, it's why you have things like talk space and so forth. like have our children like human beings fundamentally changed in 25 years?

Or have we systemically stripped them of opportunities to develop resilience? And then we're experiencing the predictable results and then we're just labeling it as pathology. You know, these are like legitimate questions that all of us have to face because we've created it in our culture. We are seeing a masquerade of medical conditions.

you know, mislabeled as mental health, when they're actually very, very predictable, you know, suddenly everyone has ADHD now when we've clearly created an entire culture that's addicted to screens. Now there's anxiety disorders, depression, oppositional defiant disorder, emotion, dysregulation, a vocabulary of psychiatric labels, you know, that essentially, you know, if you want to simplify this,

translates to not being able to learn to manage their internal states. And folks, we all have the ability to do it, no matter how they've tried to convince you that these things are inherent brain conditions. It's a lie. It's a marketing strategy. You are a human being, you have the ability to adapt, it is built into your DNA. Stop fragilizing your kids and stop living in fear.

Our neural pathways are highly malleable. Okay. They just have not built this psychological infrastructure to process disappointment, failure, boredom. They haven't learned that uncomfortable feelings are temporary and survivable because they're being rescued from the slightest frustration. What do you think that's going to result in when they're 20 or 25 or 30?

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (28:20.952)
You know, and that's what we're seeing. We're seeing a generation of kids who are collapsing at the first hint of challenge. They're catastrophizing minor setbacks. We see like strong reactions to things not going the way they want them to do to go. They lack the fundamental emotional tools that previous generations had to develop. And they often were developed through unstructured play, dealing with boredom. And yes, the experience of not getting things the way they want.

them to be in their lives and then having to adapt to overcome them. So remember, like there was a time when kids spent hours learning skills, riding bikes, building forts, social interaction with their friends, trying to navigate a very complex social world without adult intervention. You know, now everything, even our games are organized by adults. Kids don't resolve their own conflicts like

school counselors do. They don't create their own entertainment. You know, we we provide it to them. And so like that world, that previous world, it's like my generation might be the last one. Now, you know, parents are hovering anxiously, readily, you know, to step in at the first sign of frustration at the play group that they organized. Let me help you. You know, has replaced. Try again.

I'll do it for you has supplanted like you can figure it out. Like these are important words in our vocabulary that allow our children to move beyond frustration into action and then try to figure it out themselves, which gives them confidence. Listen, you're not going to go to a therapist to develop self-esteem. You're not going to go to a school counselor to develop self-esteem. How ridiculous is that?

It's not something you can get from somebody else. It's something you earn. It's something that you are able to accumulate over time through stress inoculation, through overcoming those challenges. And through those big challenges, eventually, you know, you're in a better position to face the larger ones when they come about in your life. Okay.

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (30:44.366)
So this idea of creating opportunities for kids to learn. And if we don't do that, we're preventing them from learning. We are keeping them small. In some aspects, we're creating perpetual children or perpetual adolescents because they haven't pushed through those developmental stages. Yeah, now what happens when you try to numb the emotions?

blunt the emotions that are there to serve you in overcoming that. Well, now you have a drug dependent, emotionally stunted, adolescent evolving into adulthood.

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (31:31.446)
I think the heart of this epidemic is a devastating loss of parental confidence. Parents are no longer able to trust their natural parenting instincts because they have been systematically undermined by an expert culture that, you know, it really does position you as parents as potential damages of their children's psyche. I once had a mother

You know, who kind of said to me, I honestly, don't think I can do this anymore. Like giving up in face of, you know, the challenges of having to be a parent. You know, I had to tell her, you don't have the, you're not in a position where you can give up. You brought that child into this world. It is your responsibility.

But what she was really saying to me is like, I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Like one expert says, strict boundaries, you know, caused trauma. another says permissiveness creates entitled kids. One book says validate all feelings. Another says too much validation prevents emotion, regulation. think I'm paralyzed by fear of making the wrong choice. Yeah. I mean, that is what happens when you

really do hand over so many decisions to the general state. And this is kind of how I view it. This expert culture is pushed by so many industries. So you're giving up your freedom as an independent entity and you're really bowing to that authority, whether that's school authority, that medical authority.

therapist, know, therapy culture that exists, the expert culture, and you're more more disconnected from, think, what is natural for you. And I find myself so often trying to re-engage parents in being able to get connected with that space again. It's in their heart, it's in their souls, that they know intuitively what's best for their kids. I think this paralysis is precisely what the parent, this, like,

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (33:56.458)
mental health industrial complex wants, confident parents don't engage in the industry. I mean, it's very simple. And listen, the irony of this is here I am, you know, on this podcast, I do this work and I'm part of this system. And so you could be, you know, listening to this exact podcast, kind of deferring to my authority. But what I'm asking you is,

is what I'm sharing, which is actually kind of a return to common sense, a return to the way things have been done for, you know, generations and sometimes like going back to like very early writings about developing self control over our own impulses and the importance of families and parents in being able to shape that in their children, the systematic destruction of parental

confidence is what serves a market need. Because it creates that perpetual insecurity. And then you're seeking out their advice. The opposite for me is I think most people overwhelmingly most people know intuitively what's best for their kids and they know they have to when they have to step in and be parents and set limits and boundaries and they know from their own life experience that they need discipline and they need structure.

So when parents are somehow convinced that actually saying no and providing this discipline might traumatize their kid or create attachment difficulties, well, listen, then you are fundamentally disconnected from your true nature. And I think we have to reclaim some sanity in this insane system, okay? We have to raise children who can actually function in a world that's not gonna cater to their every emotional state, and that is mental health.

We need to recognize that there is resilience inherent in human development. Children are not fragile vessels, easily shattered by parental authority. They're gonna be able to survive without their phone. They're gonna be able to survive being grounded, doing chores, having to write apology letters. They're very adaptive organisms designed to learn from these challenges. I have to tell parents, children are supposed to struggle. They're supposed to fail.

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (36:25.806)
They're supposed to feel disappointed, frustrated, sometimes bored. These aren't signs of parental failure, they're opportunities for growth. You know, and most parents are gonna just, they're just gonna breathe a sigh of relief, you know, and I think the welcomed normality of these type of conversations gives them a sense of freedom again. And I think the science is overwhelmingly clear. Resilience develops through...

these challenges, not through protection from them. Research consistently shows that overprotective parenting is associated with increased anxiety, depression, and inability to cope with adversity, permissiveness in parenting, all those things. So what children actually need is not a protection from all discomfort, but clear, consistent boundaries that don't collapse at the first sign of protest.

gradually increasing responsibility appropriate to their developmental stage, the experience of working through frustration towards mastery, the opportunity to fail in small ways and learn that they can recover, and most importantly, adults who model healthy emotion regulation rather than emotional avoidance. I mean, what are you demonstrating to your kids when you give in to all these things?

Well, you're communicating that they're fragile and so are you. Now that does not induce confidence, safety or security, all those things that are needed to develop. Children need parents who aren't afraid of them. Parents who are confident enough to withstand temporary emotional storms because they know the long-term benefits of developing self-discipline.

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (38:16.002)
You know, and I think the results of this, at least in the work that I do, is that you see parents who stay calm, who don't respond to tantrums, they see it rise as it falls, it dies out, it's temporary. Okay. And you can, you know, you can very clearly say to young kids, I understand you're disappointed, but the answer is still no. And walk away. You know, let the meltdown happen. Who cares? Let that toddler, metaphorically, or that teenager.

throw that tantrum in the middle of the grocery store. And who cares what other people think? I mean, that's what's gonna get you in big time trouble, caring what other people think, right? You know, what you see is there's this natural process, you know, it's out of all the literature, right? You're not gonna be able to read it in parenting books and therapists aren't gonna read it. It's called natural recovery.

You know, when a kid doesn't get what they want, when they have to face the frustration, the challenges, the struggle, they naturally internally figure it out. They learn to self-regulate in order to get what they need. See, many parents never get to experience this because they're too afraid of their children's emotional reactions. don't withstand the storm to see the clearing afterwards. Okay. And their children actually become

more secure, more confident when they encounter firm loving boundaries. And this is love. This isn't harsh. Like this is necessary. Like this is part of your responsibility. The reality that your child is throwing a tantrum because you settled limit isn't evidence of your failure. It's evidence that you're doing your job. Your teenager can say the most painful things. This is what teenagers do. You've enforced a consequence. They're gonna survive it. It's not the end.

of the world. Hold them accountable.

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (40:13.922)
The courage to parent means recognizing that your job isn't to make them happy in every moment. That is completely unrealistic. But your job is to raise a human being capable of handling an unpredictable world, the difficult emotions that are gonna arise. They're gonna have to manage their mind and their emotions to be able to get the things that they want. This degree of self-discipline.

and then to persist through these challenges. So if we're to reverse an epidemic of parental fear, we need to start by recognizing the forces that profit from it. We need to become more skeptical of experts who pathologize normal childhood behavior. We need to question a medical system that is so eager to diagnose and drug children who simply haven't developed these skills and fail to recognize what we're doing in the culture to perpetuate it.

We need to reclaim confidence in the basic principles that have guided child development throughout human history. Children grow through gradually increasing challenges. They develop discipline by experiencing the natural consequences of their choices. They build confidence by overcoming obstacles, not by having them removed. So the next time your child melts down because you set a reasonable limit, remind yourself it's not an emergency. It's not a trauma.

This is your child learning that they can experience difficult emotions and survive. This is your child developing the emotional muscles that they need for a lifetime. Your job is not to prevent all distress, it's to help your child develop the tools to handle that distress. And sometimes, you know, the most compassionate thing you can do is simply say, I know this is hard and I believe you can handle it. Remember those words.

because the greatest gift you give your child is in protection from all emotional discomfort. It's the unshakable belief in their capacity to face challenges and grow stronger through them. And so all the fear-based parenting provocation out there, here's what they don't want you to know, because you're not gonna need them. And your child is far more resilient than you've been led to believe. You don't need to be to protect them from normal developmental challenges. They need to be guided.

Roger K. McFillin, Psy.D, ABPP (42:43.576)
guided by parents who aren't afraid to actually parent.

That's it for today. It's an important and meaningful principle and I think important lesson. We prevent mental health challenges down the road the earlier that we are willing to do the hard work of parenting. And that is not going to be handing off an iPhone and an iPad when they're two years old in a waiting room. Trust me.